Cheating

I had to get permission from Jimbo to write this. So let’s talk about cheating! I feel that there is no better time for me to talk about this subject as Jimbo and I have both committed this transgression VERY recently. Pretty nuts. We both just straight up cheated! Out the blue! While this isn’t the first time either one of us has slipped, this time was the gravest offense to date. While I won’t tell you details of Jimbo’s experience, I will tell you some of mine. So remember that trip to Las Angeles I ran through briefly in my last blog? That was the scene of my crime. Before I went on my trip something came over me…the thought that I might be unfaithful with the friend that was letting me crash. Even though Jimbo and I had been doing extremely well, my mind still went there…and I was confused:/ A few summers back, when I still lived in Tennessee, I was a nanny. I looked after 2 boys that I knew from church. It was actually the summer Jimbo and I met. I was really attached to both of these kids from time we spent together at church and when I heard that their parents needed help I quickly volunteered. We had a great summer:) Time at the pool, video games, the zoo, chuck E cheese, ect. There was however a downside. The mother and father were going through hard times and on the brink of divorce. This I did not find out until after I volunteered, and it was a total shock. At church they seemed fine (as I guess everybody does in church…). Both parents were young and good looking with decent (if not very good) jobs. They also had 2 great kids AND a nice home. Why the divorce?? Well, what had happened was, the mom wanted to have a 3some and the dad didn’t. For real. The parents got married when they were very young (before 20). And while they loved each other, the mom or dad had never taken the time to be selfish individuals. When I say selfish I mean, do what they wanted without any regard for any one else…so taking the time to travel, explore themselves sexually, and grow into themselves as individuals. Noooow the mom wanted to indulge these random desires, and her timing was off. Her thoughts and actions were not in the best interest of her family. In my opinion, once a person gets married they must denounce selfish and become selfless. I’m not saying you neglect yourself! Only that those big decisions in your life should then be considered with a “what is best for WE as a family” state of mind instead of “what is best for ME as an individual” state of mind. The mom in this scenario was wrong. I can’t blame her for wanting to experience things she never had…who doesn’t?! But unfortunately she had given up her “right” to wild out many years ago. The kids were 8 and 10 at the time. And now all of a sudden their happy home was in shambles. The dad was extremely hurt and stressed out. He loved his wife and what they had. After the mom moved out he started drinking more and struggled to pay the mortgage and bills by himself. Of course this also had an effect on the boys who were old enough to understand what was going on. What kid wants to have to stay with his mom Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday his dad the rest of the week, and then split weekends? That’s some bullshit! So, Jimbo and I have been together since I was 18…and I’m almost 23. Jimbo and I started seeing each other THE DAY AFTER I got out of a 2 year relationship with He whom shall not be named. So I’ve had a man since I was 16. And there were men before that! (shout out to the exes:) I have really great exes… I have had no opportunity to be selfish! So I’ve talked to Jimbo about an open relationship for that reason. Hoping I could have the best of both worlds. But unfortunately there is no such thing as having your cake and eating it too. Trust me on this one. Every time we tried it, it failed. And in the end it was decided we’d both rather have each other than not and we’d let the idea go. The curiosities however didn’t just evaporate. Being a death-a-phobe also encourages a lot of my actions even if they aren’t what’s “best”. Knowing that I only get one ride…I tend to recklessly give into desires and curiosities. So it happened. On the 2^nd to last day kicking it with my friend, I cheated. And to be honest, in the moment, I was happy with that decision. Any one I have ever been intimate with has been a friend (too much information?). Never a stranger. Never random. Always a conscious decision. And because I was/am cool with this person I enjoyed the experience. Jimbo’s experience was actually very similar. The girl he hooked up with has been a really good friend of his since high school. Genuinely kind hearted, attractive, blonde. So at first I wasn’t feeling bad. I didn’t know whether or not I would tell him (in the past I’ve been very honest and straight forward about my slip ups). This time was different because he and I were doing so well and we had just recently gotten to a place where we both truly trusted each other (go figure). In my mind I had justified what I did by telling myself that it was better I was unfaithful and selfish now then when/if Jimbo and I take the next step (marriage and/or a family). I had also decided on my own to quit while I was ahead. Me and my friend had a nice little session. And Jimbo and his friend had a nice little session…but Jimbo and I share something that is…um…how you say…golden* (as most people who have been together for a while do share). The level of comfortability is completely different, which make for a completely different experience. I think every body wants to be considered a “good” sexual encounter. I know I do. And frankly, if you’re not my dude it may be wack :)…as I’m quite reserved and shy until I get to know someone which takes a lot of time. This is another reason I decided to chill out. No need in wandering around having half-hearted love making sessions and not meeting the bar!! It’s best that any guy friends that I share an attraction with just use their imagination…that never disappoints;) I started feeling bad a week or two after I got home when Jimbo was being especially sweet and considerate. It made me feel like shit. For example. There are a lot of sexy women in New York. One day Jimbo and I were riding the train home and this very attractive girl got on the train. We both check her out (we always do). She was a light skinned girl, with long hair, a pretty face, a short skirt, and a large art pad. Great! So on top of being good looking you’re artistic. She sat in our vicinity and in the perfect position so that we could see up her skirt:/ While I’m cute, I’m definitely not the best looking girl in the world by far. Knowing this, I’m comfortable with Jimbo checking out other chicks, and I decide to pretend to be sleepy and go to sleep so that he can check her out with no pressure and without feeling weird. As soon as I close my eyes, and lean away from him, he pulls me under his arm and asks why I wouldn’t lay there in the first place?? He doesn’t even capitalize on this opportunity in the way that I thought he would. Each time he did something that was especially I felt guilty. UNTIL that cold night I found out that he cheated too!!! It was about 3 weeks after my slip up. I had just gotten back in town from baby sitting and walked in my room to find skype open. What do you know?!? Jimbo’s been conversating with this hoe! (I’m playing….she really is a very nice girl…but in the moment I wasn’t thinking that.) I had seen convos between them that had insinuated something might go down while he was out of town (he was going back to Memphis for the weekend) and had brought it to his attention. Never in a million years did I think something would actually happen! And it did!!! I felt it when I in South Hampton babysitting. I really did. I hadn’t been able to sleep without having nightmares and had been able to eat nothing that whole weekend. I was sick. He was out of town as well and we hadn’t been talking that weekend as I was upset at the suggestive convos I found before I left. Even if I were to try to deter any possible sexual encounters, would that be fair? Who was I to flip out even if it were going down? He didn’t tell me about it, and I don’t think he would have. When I saw the skype convo that clearly insinuated they’d shared more than a handshake, I was upset. I didn’t cry. I didn’t freak. I called him and confronted him and then I told him I’d done the same thing. It was a horrible situation! Just 3 weeks ago we were on a roll! Now we didn’t know what the hell was going to happen? We were both severely disappointed in one another and confused! While we were both hurt, he seemed to take it harder and felt severely betrayed. My roomie (Brian:) thinks men take it harder when their significant other cheats…maybe he right. Upon seeing how hurt he was, I crumbled. The questions he asked me about the encounter broke my heart. I felt ashamed. I felt sad. I felt like a fallen angel. His fallen angel. You see, I don’t need too many people’s approval. I think I’m great;) But I don need whatever man I in my life to be able to rest assured that they have the right woman behind them. That I’m a woman worth the time, the effort, the sacrifice. That I’m a nice bonus to have around…And I was to him until that moment. For the first time in 4 years when he looked at me there was no light in his eyes. All I could see hurt, pain, disappointment, and sadness. How could I do this to him? There was nothing wrong with my desire to explore, but I did it the wrong way. The next day we were both still processing. After he got off of work we went to see Machete at the cheap theater in cobble hill (great flick!) and on the walk home I couldn’t control myself anymore. I started crying uncontrollably! I hadn’t cried like that in months. It was like I broke his spirit. It was as if I set the ball in motion for the whole thing to happen and him doing it was karma completing the song. I broke the pact we make every time we lay down together. He comforted me, but it didn’t feel like he was my guy, it felt like he was my friend. We were both convinced we couldn’t be together. We were both unwilling to try and rebuild trust (it’s exhausting). It was decided he’d move out. I decided I’d stay else where until he was gone. I had suicidal thoughts that night I was in so much pain. I was in the process of loosing the man whose children I want to carry. For what? On that walk home I started to say out loud words I found synonymas with our actions. Each one stung but I wouldn’t stop…“cheater, infidel, liar, deceiver, unloyal, unfaithful, traitor”…and so on. I spoke them through tears. Wanting to hear each one and see how they made me feel. Him feel. How well I could identify with those titles. It felt bad to be able to identify with them. I called my mom to vent once we got home. She listened to the sob story and calmed me down (love that lady). My heart was heavy. I had to rely on the person who I’d hurt the and who’d hurt me to make me feel better that night. Like a true friend, he did. We spent the next day together. It was nice. Lunch in little Italy. New pieces for each of us from my favorite Tibetan jewelry shop. We saw that we were able to enjoy each other’s company. We cautiously held hands. Day by day our feelings went from hurt and resentment back to fondness. What was one day thought to be permanently destroyed was now being rebuilt. So I’ve decided that cheating IS a bad idea. If you’re not going to be with your dude or your girl, just break up with them and get your groove on right! Why waste each others time. The longer you are together the harder it I to go your separate ways. On the flip side, if you have someone you’re into then it is not worth it to be unfaithful. Even if times are tough...Talk it out. Work it out. Sex it out. Take a trip together. Karma is real… and Lust is never worth the sacrifice of Love. I keep in mind that there is always a dude ready to sex another man’s woman (they like that:/). There is also always some trifflin’ chick ready (lol) to be a home wrecker. When two people enter into a relationship, it is understood that they desire to be there for the other person mentally (no stupids), spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. That they will be loyal. And that this won’t let up, ever. I’m going hold it down now.