The conversation after the chess game...

So I have a lot of guys that I hang out with despite Jimbo and I being 'together'. Yesterday I finally came to terms with the fact that...that's not okay. There's a senior researcher I met that gave me a tour of the lab he works in...we went for frozen margaritas and burgers last week (so good! check out O' Flannigans for $3.50 margaritas and Jackson hole for the best Burger in NYC). There's the bartender I worked with for a year and a half before my job closed down in May. There's the guy I claim as one of my best friends, as every time we hang out it's lovely and we are musical soul mates. There's my current study buddy. There's the friend of friend a met a rooftop party in Harlem....the list goes on. This list, however does not even include the men that I keep up with through text messaging/ facebook... whatever. Now I only have a ginuine romantic interest in Jimbo at this time but like to hang out. While I have my girls that I kick it with, these guys are 'friends' whose company I enjoy on occasion as well (I really do! interesting converstaions about wine/ talks about old films/ tales of drunkeness/ ect.). So yesterday me and my roomie (B) and I are kickin it. Our house it hot as hell (as HELL!! Im tellin you!) and we've been smokin trees and playin chess all morning (I can't seem to beat him:/). B had coincidentally run into me and one of my guy friends after we left the movie in Bryant Park. So now (the next day) we're chillin and get to talkin about the previous night. ME: I can't believe the way that Will (codename for my bartender friend) was talking to me last night!! He was talking about how nice my skin looked and was being very forward and suggestive. B: of course! Me: What you mean, 'of course'. We've been hanging out for a year and a half and he's never talked to me like that. B: Man, that dude was just waiting for the right time. That's what guy's do! ME:...he did say something about 'now that we don't work together....' B: yea that dude wants to F*uck you. Me: He does? B: Come on! You knew that. Me: Well, we've been kickin it for so long and he's never tried anything! and he kicks it with all the chicks I used to work with. B:yea, and he wants to f*ck them too! Me: damn! So EVERY guy that I kick it with secretly wants to do it?!?! I don't even be thinking I'm their type! B:Man,a WOMAN PERIOD is every dudes type, especially the beautiful ones. If I had a beautiful woman I wouldn't trust anybody around her! And you stay kickin it with not just ONE dude who wants to get at you...multiple dudes! If I were 'Jimbo' I'd be kicking it with hella chicks. ME: but I just be wanting to kick it and enjoy peoples company. EVERY dude can't think like that! I'd like to believe that some guys really do just want to be my friend and I'm not their type. B: Nah. Every time a man sees a beautiful woman or 'befriends' one, he's thought about it. ME: but how can men think about that ALL THE TIME. There's so much other stuff to think about! Sex is good to us (women) too, if not better, but we don't think about it all the time! So you're tellin me that every guy I kick it with wants to hit it?! B: Yea! ME: And ugly girls are for friends? B:Yea! Well no...I don't want to say that. but with the beautiful chicks...we do at least think about it if not try to get with them. And when you hang out with a dude, they think you like them...or that at least there's a chance. ME: Damn. So I can't even be nice to a dude because he may think... B: I'm telling you! That's the problem! MEN DON'T THINK LIKE YOU DO! We don't. Women be thinkin we're thinking and feeling how they are and we don't. I would get with every chick if I could. EVERY one. ME: Wow. I don't think that at all. I mean I do it with people I really like or am attracted to. Once I've ruled you out from being my type then that's it. B: Men don't think like that. ME: So it really is like what you told me about the anatomy of a men and women...I (and all women) produce just one egg a month and subconsciously tend to be more choosy, where as men produce a million sperm every time they (you know). So you really do want to get with every chick...but it's so much better when you are with someone you really care about and you can just be with them all the time! B: Yea you're right. When you find the right chick. I would like nothing more than to be with a beautiful woman all the time...she has to be beautiful though! and we could kick it, smoke, and have fun together, I'll take care of her...then whenever I wanted to I would just(blank blank blank). ME: B! B: but until that happens...

B's Birthday

My room mate's name is Brian. (hope he doesn't mind me using his name). And the 24th (last Thursday) was his birthday. It was pretty fun, so I thought I'd share it. For his 29th birthday, B (that's what I call him) wanted to go to Coney Island. Now Coney Island, like most New York City beaches, is ridiculously disgusting. It's a risk to even take your flip flops off to walk in the sand; you really might get cut. Nevertheless, it's the beach...and you gotta love the beach regardless. As soon as I got out of class I came home and got ready to go. B's friend Jackie met us at our apartment and we were on our way. When we got there B and Jackie bought 'supposedly unlimited' pina colada drinks. Once it was discovered the drinks were not unlimited and had zero alcohol I headed for the bank and the liquor store. Fifteen minutes later were on the beach lighting up and sipping cold vodka drinks. ahh! feels nice. B's happy. Jackie's cool. I'm chillin. A mexican man with a basket of mangos is approaching. Random people selling mangos is one of the best parts about new york in the summer. It's expensive! (3 dollars) so we decide to split one. But as soon as I take a bite I get up and chase the mango man down for another. The sun setting but giving off just enough heat to for B and Jackie to try the water. From their initial reactions, I can tell its freezing cold. Jackie stands back and retreats every time the waves roll in...until B dunks her:) I am such a death-a-phobe that I am always sitting back and taking in every little thing. I try to appreciate every good moment. While this may sound like a good thing to do, it keeps you from being IN the moment sometimes. It's so nice out. All the kids are having a ball running from the tiniest of waves. I'm blazed and I'm tipsy. Suddenly, I don't want to sit back and observe the moment anymore, I want to be in it. The vodka had suppressed my self consciousness (I also have a fear of wearing bikinis in front of people) and the next thing you know I'm headed towards the water. As soon as I get in B dunks me too>:/ Daaaag! Super salty!!!! Shortly thereafter I adjust to the water I see Jimbo. Delighted to see that me and B have dared to enter the water, he jumps in-clothes and all. It felt so good to be pushed by the waves I didn't get out for an hour. We smoke again and the 5th and final person, Kareem, gets there. Boy is he a character...He makes a few mean jokes about his girlfriend, takes a few swigs and the next thing you know we're off to the bumper cars. Now I dont know when is the last time I rode bumper cars....but that ish was waaaaay to fun not to go back soon. After 2 rounds of bumper cars we ride a few more rides before Kareem and Jackie have to go home. B, Jimbo, and I head back for the beach and fall asleep under the moon. Why don't my birthdays go like this?

Lessons from a Soulmate (Part 1)

So...I just made up with my guy. Human nature man....what can I say? We smoked a dubee and I couldn't help myself. The funny thing is, is that i was just talking to my girl ("K" we'll call her) and she was telling to me about her man problems and they were IDENTICAL to mine. Her boyfriend, whom I know personally, can't seem to figure out what it is that he wants besides her. Since he doesn't know what he wants, he is having a hard time moving forward...which in turn makes it hard for him to be there for "K" like she needs him to be. She and I both are not Beyonce, and were never too keen on that "miss independent" ish...or those dozens of instructions she gives in her songs. It's hard when the love is there but your man, for whatever reason, can't provide for you as well as you need him to. He is her "best friend" which makes it hard for her to leave because the LOVE is there...but unfortunately every relationship needs more than love and good intentions. She and I gave in when they satisfied our hearts but are now ready to be provided for. Im giving my guy just a little more time... The ONLY thing that separates him from "K's" man is that he has vision and direction. He's always coming up with innovative ideas and plans for other people to help better their businesses or personal situation. He's also a poet/writer that is very talented and just finished his first book (it's pretty sexy). While I'm going through my stage of becoming who I want to be (college-ugh:/) I figure he deserves the same thing...a little more time. Not to mention I love him so damn much. Call me a fool. SO. SOULMATES. This is what I'm supposed to be discussing. Well for starters my definition of a soul mate is a little bit different than most. When most people think of a soul mate they thing about some one that was MADE for THEM to cherish and spend eternity with. My definition of a soul mate is different. To me a "soul mate" is a person who comes into your life for a specific reason at a specific time and does a specific "job". Once that job is done they peace out....yea...they peace out and leave you to continue on the path of life. Lets talk about my 2 favorite soul mates:) I came to New York City for the first time DAYS after I turned 20. The time I had was so amazing that I moved up here litterally 5 months after my first visit. The guy that I came and stayed with was a friend of my older sister and he showed me the time of my life. His friends were all charismatic, artistic sorts. I had never met or seen so many beautiful young people. It was surreal. The first night I was in the city I came up from underground (the subway) only to see smoke coming up from potholes, piles of trash bags, and closed stores. I was lost:) But fell in love instantaneously. I cabbed it to my friends apt in the upper east side and was greeted with open arms. From his 15th story window I could see the East River and tiny taxi cabs driving to and fro. We went to a Mediterranean spot (instant culture) where his friends were passing around Mediterranean appetizers, giant mojito pitchers, and smoking hookah...for free!!! (my friend was cool with a promoter). The venue was 3 stories with with each stair case lit by candles, and 2 amazing djs....I had the time of my life that night. So new and so exciting! That week I danced through the Manhattan streets in the rain, ate at spots supposedly frequented by celebrities, and and sat and learned in the company of a "mask maker" who had very interesting views on the spirituality and energy of man. I fell in love not only with the city but also with a guy considered to be best friends of the guy I was staying with. SOUL MATE #1....let's call him "E". "E" and I had seen each other every day because he was so close to the friend I was staying with. I started crushing on him the first night I was in the city. I was pretty stand offish when I first arrived as there was so much to take in. In front of a room full of people this guy pinned me up against the wall, held my leg up, and did a frontal grind type dance on me;). I was intrigued by his boldness (he didn't know me like that...). It did, however, break me out of my shell got me to loosen up. The whole week we flirted a little and I eventually hatched a plan to kick it with him one on one. My friend I was staying with thought my flight left super early Saturday morning. Little did he know I hadn't bought my ticket at all because I was flying standby (and could try and leave whenever I wanted). That Friday night he, "E", and I went to a club. After the club my friend thought we'd return home and I'd pack and head straight out for the airport...really I'd be headed for "E's" apartment. At the end of the night "E" and I pretended to say our goodbyes and told each other we'd keep in touch. My friend and I headed back to his apartment and I packed at thanked him for letting me stay just before rushing out to "catch my plane". Once out the door I text "E" and he sent me directions to Prospect Park apartment in Brooklyn. We stayed up all night listening to music of which we had ridiculously similar tastes. He put me on to an acoustic singer by the name of David Ryan Harris that I would come to obsess over the next few months. We talked about our families (both our moms names are Greta) , our exes, the city, what we wanted to do with our lives, everything. The next day he met me at Starbucks when he got off work and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. We held hands as we walked through the city to dinner. For those 2 days we were together. I was having such a good time in his company I purposely missed a plane the next day after traveling all the way to the airport. I had to come back and stay with him (sneaky, I know). He rented us a movie and we feasted on take-out and strawberry shortcake ice cream bars. When I finally left the next day he carried my bags to the train for me and we kissed as the train rushed up beside us. So nice...I wanted so badly to be with this guy. When I got back to Tennessee I was sad as hell. I was greeted the first few mornings with a "good morning beautiful" from "E". I listened to a song called "for you" by david ryan harris. He had burned a few of his songs on a cd for me and that one was all about this guy missing and traveling back and fourth to the person he loved. The was also the song "come home" by One republic which jaded me even more with even listen. I had to get back up to him. I had to get back to the city. I had to. I thought I could be with "E" if only I were there...and I knew I would be more challenged in school and very quickly cultured if I moved to New York. That summer I worked like I have never worked before or since. I had 2 jobs where I could work from 9am to 3pm at one restaurant and 4 pm to 3 or 4am at the other. I was exhausted at every moment that summer...but pulled down at least 1000 a week. With that money I was able to move and although "E" and I had kept in contact(mostly drunken phone calls:/), by the time I moved back I had moved on. And so had he. Soulmate number 1: "E". He infatuated me to the point that I HAD to get back to New York. It was more than a drive for the city life kept me working hard all summer, there was a hope for more romantic days between "E" and I....the prospect of new/continued love. Just the city wasn't enough to uproot and rearrange the direction of my life. "E" was the icing on the cake. Come to find out, after getting to know him more, he's not my type at all:) When I first moved up here I hung out with he and the same group of friends a couple times. A few months later I made my own friends (whom I relate to a lot more), and I actually haven't seen him in at least a year. But what he was to me at the time was invaluable. Who knows if I would be here in this city (which has been so great for me) if it were not for the time we shared together. I honestly don't think I would. True to my definition of a soul mate-a person who comes into your life for a specific reason at a specific time and does a specific "job". We''ll talk about number 2 next time.

The trouble with love...

So I just broke up with my guy of four years. I think this may be the 17th or 18th time we've chosen to go our separate ways. This time it's certain (or so I say...). For the sake of privacy we'll call him Jimbo. Jimbo and I began seeing THE DAY AFTER I got out of a two year relationship with a man by the name of Charles. At that time, Charles was 27 when I was only 16. Needless to say it was a very interesting 2 years. My relationship with Charles caused a lot of strife between my family and I for the obvious reasons. We met at my first job where I worked as a drive through girl at Back-Yard-Burger. He was tall and perfectly muscular with nice skin and a beautiful smile. On my first day at the job I remember returning from the bathroom only to have him pull me to the side. To my horror I had been walking around with my work shirt tucked into my granny panties :( and people had been laughing at me for a good 5 or 10 minutes. From then on we were very flirtatious, and by the time I found out how much older than me he was it was too late. I brought him to my parents house to introduce him and like any good parents would, they flipped. For a year there was chaos in our house, my dad resented me and my mom thought I'd lost my mind. She believed that I was only seeing him to spite them and to rebel, when in all actuality I really did love him. Every time she would suggest a ridiculous reason for me keeping up the relationship it would push me away even further. When they took away my cell phone I would sneak out to Walgreens to talk to him on the pay phone. When I was only allowed to drive my car to go to work, I leave my job early and shoot straight across town to see him. We exchanged these notebooks of all different colors. He would fill them up with drawings and poetry for me and I'd do the same. Our relationship was sweet and our love was true...and because very few people approved it felt like it was us against the world. Eventually ish hit the fan! My dad got fed up and I was kicked out of my house. This was a year later and I now worked at a grocery store. My dad pulled up with all of my things in trash bags and threw them on the ground and told me that if I wanted to go be with him he wasn't going to try and stop me anymore. I was humiliated and bawled hysterically...I was 16 then and I haven't lived at home since. I lived with Charles for a year. First, with his mom and 7 nieces and nephews in this small house in Westwood. Westwood was the opposite of where my folks lived. The house next door to us had several people living there but no electricity. The ten year old boy who would come out to play sometimes had already contracted the HIV virus. Sometimes there wasn't enough food to eat and there were 2 people to almost every bed. Most people would have fled back to suburbs but I welcomed the experience. Charles and I eventually got a place together in a better par of town. I had graduated early from high school to get a jump on college and he was working temp jobs. He had a ten year old son whose mom worked at an agency and could always find him work if he needed it. As wrong as the age discrepancy was he loved me. His nickname for me was pumpkin. Every night he would cook for me and when he felt I needed it, run me baths. He was very affectionate and we often did things like go for walks along the Mississippi or fly kites under the moon. I was invited to all the big family holiday dinners and we went to church with his mom every Sunday. He even got me an engagement ring. Every time we broke up we'd get back together...until one day. One day I was on campus and let Charles borrow my car to go to work. He showed up after one of my classes having lost yet another temp job and like an Epiphany it came to me ( in my Chrisette voice!). While I had grown so much in the past 2 years, he was the exact same person I met in the Burger joint. Love had blinded me. He loved to cook but made no efforts to look up a culinary school. He made straight A's in high school but had no plans to further his education. By this time he was 29 and jobless again with no savings, vision for himself, or plans for the future. Not to mention if I had married him, I would have been a step mother to his 10 year old son! After coming to this realization I was enraged. I had wanted a future with him for so long and finally realized that future would eventually be a sad and poor life. I was angry I had graduated early and left my friends to move our lives forward. I was angry that he had been the source of so much pain and anger in my family. I immediately broke it off with him! I went to our apartment and broke all the dishes. I took everything we had that I couldn't break...TVs, clothes (his and mine), pots, pans, dvd player, food and shoved them in my car. I pored canola oil all over the floors and stopped up the bath tub after turning the water on high (I hoped it'd over flow!). THE TROUBLE WITH LOVE IS IT SOMETIMES BLINDS YOU, AND MAKES YOU SETTLE FOR LESS THAN YOU DESERVE. When the Beetles sang, "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE," they were lying. While love is definitely the most important part of a relationship it can't sustain 2 people by itself. In relationships, we (especially women) don't take the WHOLE picture into account. In my opinion there are 2 groups of traits that people should look for in a significant other. There are traits for peace of mind and then traits for peace of heart. Peace of mind traits are more objective. They include the basic things we all desire in a partner like a nice job,reputable finances, and education, a supportive family, ect. The heart side is the emotional side. Qualities that satisfy the emotional side are honesty, being an efficent communicator, faithfulness, loyalty, and of course being a good lover;) The trouble with people is we settle for one set of qualities...and often times not even the whole set. My best girl friend dated a guy for years who was wealthy but treated her like garbage. He would verbally abuse her and even slept with a good friend of hers and she still didn't leave him because she found a since of security with his financial situation. A lot of women are like this. Despite the lack of a truly strong physical/emotional relationship, they will go after and stay with the man with the good finances or the opporitunity to be comfortable. I am a firm believer that every woman should be protected and provided for, but to be with someone solely based on material gain is not what's up. At all. To some it doesn't matter if there is no chemistry or how badly they suffer with a realtionship emotionally, if money is there. I usually fall for the guys that have all of the emotional qualities and are lacking a little on the financial side. If I'm attracted to him, he takes care of me, doesn't cheat, and we can have a good time together, then I'm smitten. I'm a hippie by nature so I don't like diamonds or fancy purses. A little attention and and cheap bottle of wine will do. While the relationship is golden for a while, it goes bad in a few years when I realize that in the future me and my guy would have a hard time helping to raise a family or even taking a vacation. Like my relationship with Charles, Jimbo and I weren't short on love. If anything we had an extra supply. We had relationship full of home cooked meals, tickling fights, wrestling matches, kissing, high times, mini vacays, shit talking, the list goes on. Like Charles, he gave me peace of heart. When it came to peace of mind however, there was a problem. Neither of my exes could provide me with peace of mind about our future together because of their financial short comings. It would be nice to have a kid one day and not have to worry about if the baby will be able to eat every day...or every other day. For the ladies who engage men solely on potential financial wealth, they usually come up lonely in the love department. They will settle for someone who doesn't meet other basic requirements in exchange for monetary gain. The foundation of the relationship is so shallow that it eventually turns completely devoid and loveless. I dated Charles for 2 years before I realized that not having peace of heart AND mind would lead to an unhappy ending. Jimbo...4 years!!! You better believe that from now on I won't settle for less than the best of both worlds.