too open i think. yea...this is going to be whats on <at the moment....

starting a new blog called at the moment...india arie just made me cry while listening and thinking about my growth. im not a woman yet but almost. im starting

Cheating

I had to get permission from Jimbo to write this. So let’s talk about cheating! I feel that there is no better time for me to talk about this subject as Jimbo and I have both committed this transgression VERY recently. Pretty nuts. We both just straight up cheated! Out the blue! While this isn’t the first time either one of us has slipped, this time was the gravest offense to date. While I won’t tell you details of Jimbo’s experience, I will tell you some of mine. So remember that trip to Las Angeles I ran through briefly in my last blog? That was the scene of my crime. Before I went on my trip something came over me…the thought that I might be unfaithful with the friend that was letting me crash. Even though Jimbo and I had been doing extremely well, my mind still went there…and I was confused:/ A few summers back, when I still lived in Tennessee, I was a nanny. I looked after 2 boys that I knew from church. It was actually the summer Jimbo and I met. I was really attached to both of these kids from time we spent together at church and when I heard that their parents needed help I quickly volunteered. We had a great summer:) Time at the pool, video games, the zoo, chuck E cheese, ect. There was however a downside. The mother and father were going through hard times and on the brink of divorce. This I did not find out until after I volunteered, and it was a total shock. At church they seemed fine (as I guess everybody does in church…). Both parents were young and good looking with decent (if not very good) jobs. They also had 2 great kids AND a nice home. Why the divorce?? Well, what had happened was, the mom wanted to have a 3some and the dad didn’t. For real. The parents got married when they were very young (before 20). And while they loved each other, the mom or dad had never taken the time to be selfish individuals. When I say selfish I mean, do what they wanted without any regard for any one else…so taking the time to travel, explore themselves sexually, and grow into themselves as individuals. Noooow the mom wanted to indulge these random desires, and her timing was off. Her thoughts and actions were not in the best interest of her family. In my opinion, once a person gets married they must denounce selfish and become selfless. I’m not saying you neglect yourself! Only that those big decisions in your life should then be considered with a “what is best for WE as a family” state of mind instead of “what is best for ME as an individual” state of mind. The mom in this scenario was wrong. I can’t blame her for wanting to experience things she never had…who doesn’t?! But unfortunately she had given up her “right” to wild out many years ago. The kids were 8 and 10 at the time. And now all of a sudden their happy home was in shambles. The dad was extremely hurt and stressed out. He loved his wife and what they had. After the mom moved out he started drinking more and struggled to pay the mortgage and bills by himself. Of course this also had an effect on the boys who were old enough to understand what was going on. What kid wants to have to stay with his mom Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday his dad the rest of the week, and then split weekends? That’s some bullshit! So, Jimbo and I have been together since I was 18…and I’m almost 23. Jimbo and I started seeing each other THE DAY AFTER I got out of a 2 year relationship with He whom shall not be named. So I’ve had a man since I was 16. And there were men before that! (shout out to the exes:) I have really great exes… I have had no opportunity to be selfish! So I’ve talked to Jimbo about an open relationship for that reason. Hoping I could have the best of both worlds. But unfortunately there is no such thing as having your cake and eating it too. Trust me on this one. Every time we tried it, it failed. And in the end it was decided we’d both rather have each other than not and we’d let the idea go. The curiosities however didn’t just evaporate. Being a death-a-phobe also encourages a lot of my actions even if they aren’t what’s “best”. Knowing that I only get one ride…I tend to recklessly give into desires and curiosities. So it happened. On the 2^nd to last day kicking it with my friend, I cheated. And to be honest, in the moment, I was happy with that decision. Any one I have ever been intimate with has been a friend (too much information?). Never a stranger. Never random. Always a conscious decision. And because I was/am cool with this person I enjoyed the experience. Jimbo’s experience was actually very similar. The girl he hooked up with has been a really good friend of his since high school. Genuinely kind hearted, attractive, blonde. So at first I wasn’t feeling bad. I didn’t know whether or not I would tell him (in the past I’ve been very honest and straight forward about my slip ups). This time was different because he and I were doing so well and we had just recently gotten to a place where we both truly trusted each other (go figure). In my mind I had justified what I did by telling myself that it was better I was unfaithful and selfish now then when/if Jimbo and I take the next step (marriage and/or a family). I had also decided on my own to quit while I was ahead. Me and my friend had a nice little session. And Jimbo and his friend had a nice little session…but Jimbo and I share something that is…um…how you say…golden* (as most people who have been together for a while do share). The level of comfortability is completely different, which make for a completely different experience. I think every body wants to be considered a “good” sexual encounter. I know I do. And frankly, if you’re not my dude it may be wack :)…as I’m quite reserved and shy until I get to know someone which takes a lot of time. This is another reason I decided to chill out. No need in wandering around having half-hearted love making sessions and not meeting the bar!! It’s best that any guy friends that I share an attraction with just use their imagination…that never disappoints;) I started feeling bad a week or two after I got home when Jimbo was being especially sweet and considerate. It made me feel like shit. For example. There are a lot of sexy women in New York. One day Jimbo and I were riding the train home and this very attractive girl got on the train. We both check her out (we always do). She was a light skinned girl, with long hair, a pretty face, a short skirt, and a large art pad. Great! So on top of being good looking you’re artistic. She sat in our vicinity and in the perfect position so that we could see up her skirt:/ While I’m cute, I’m definitely not the best looking girl in the world by far. Knowing this, I’m comfortable with Jimbo checking out other chicks, and I decide to pretend to be sleepy and go to sleep so that he can check her out with no pressure and without feeling weird. As soon as I close my eyes, and lean away from him, he pulls me under his arm and asks why I wouldn’t lay there in the first place?? He doesn’t even capitalize on this opportunity in the way that I thought he would. Each time he did something that was especially I felt guilty. UNTIL that cold night I found out that he cheated too!!! It was about 3 weeks after my slip up. I had just gotten back in town from baby sitting and walked in my room to find skype open. What do you know?!? Jimbo’s been conversating with this hoe! (I’m playing….she really is a very nice girl…but in the moment I wasn’t thinking that.) I had seen convos between them that had insinuated something might go down while he was out of town (he was going back to Memphis for the weekend) and had brought it to his attention. Never in a million years did I think something would actually happen! And it did!!! I felt it when I in South Hampton babysitting. I really did. I hadn’t been able to sleep without having nightmares and had been able to eat nothing that whole weekend. I was sick. He was out of town as well and we hadn’t been talking that weekend as I was upset at the suggestive convos I found before I left. Even if I were to try to deter any possible sexual encounters, would that be fair? Who was I to flip out even if it were going down? He didn’t tell me about it, and I don’t think he would have. When I saw the skype convo that clearly insinuated they’d shared more than a handshake, I was upset. I didn’t cry. I didn’t freak. I called him and confronted him and then I told him I’d done the same thing. It was a horrible situation! Just 3 weeks ago we were on a roll! Now we didn’t know what the hell was going to happen? We were both severely disappointed in one another and confused! While we were both hurt, he seemed to take it harder and felt severely betrayed. My roomie (Brian:) thinks men take it harder when their significant other cheats…maybe he right. Upon seeing how hurt he was, I crumbled. The questions he asked me about the encounter broke my heart. I felt ashamed. I felt sad. I felt like a fallen angel. His fallen angel. You see, I don’t need too many people’s approval. I think I’m great;) But I don need whatever man I in my life to be able to rest assured that they have the right woman behind them. That I’m a woman worth the time, the effort, the sacrifice. That I’m a nice bonus to have around…And I was to him until that moment. For the first time in 4 years when he looked at me there was no light in his eyes. All I could see hurt, pain, disappointment, and sadness. How could I do this to him? There was nothing wrong with my desire to explore, but I did it the wrong way. The next day we were both still processing. After he got off of work we went to see Machete at the cheap theater in cobble hill (great flick!) and on the walk home I couldn’t control myself anymore. I started crying uncontrollably! I hadn’t cried like that in months. It was like I broke his spirit. It was as if I set the ball in motion for the whole thing to happen and him doing it was karma completing the song. I broke the pact we make every time we lay down together. He comforted me, but it didn’t feel like he was my guy, it felt like he was my friend. We were both convinced we couldn’t be together. We were both unwilling to try and rebuild trust (it’s exhausting). It was decided he’d move out. I decided I’d stay else where until he was gone. I had suicidal thoughts that night I was in so much pain. I was in the process of loosing the man whose children I want to carry. For what? On that walk home I started to say out loud words I found synonymas with our actions. Each one stung but I wouldn’t stop…“cheater, infidel, liar, deceiver, unloyal, unfaithful, traitor”…and so on. I spoke them through tears. Wanting to hear each one and see how they made me feel. Him feel. How well I could identify with those titles. It felt bad to be able to identify with them. I called my mom to vent once we got home. She listened to the sob story and calmed me down (love that lady). My heart was heavy. I had to rely on the person who I’d hurt the and who’d hurt me to make me feel better that night. Like a true friend, he did. We spent the next day together. It was nice. Lunch in little Italy. New pieces for each of us from my favorite Tibetan jewelry shop. We saw that we were able to enjoy each other’s company. We cautiously held hands. Day by day our feelings went from hurt and resentment back to fondness. What was one day thought to be permanently destroyed was now being rebuilt. So I’ve decided that cheating IS a bad idea. If you’re not going to be with your dude or your girl, just break up with them and get your groove on right! Why waste each others time. The longer you are together the harder it I to go your separate ways. On the flip side, if you have someone you’re into then it is not worth it to be unfaithful. Even if times are tough...Talk it out. Work it out. Sex it out. Take a trip together. Karma is real… and Lust is never worth the sacrifice of Love. I keep in mind that there is always a dude ready to sex another man’s woman (they like that:/). There is also always some trifflin’ chick ready (lol) to be a home wrecker. When two people enter into a relationship, it is understood that they desire to be there for the other person mentally (no stupids), spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. That they will be loyal. And that this won’t let up, ever. I’m going hold it down now.

Summer 2010

I'm finally ready to blog about my summer! It may have been best that I blogged after every major event (so the details would be more fresh) but for whatever reason...I wasn't feeling it (blogging). This was the best, and most eventful summer of my life. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a long post...so lets begin:) In May I went to Miami to visit a my little brother (shout out to Brandon Tirrell) only to come back and find out that my restaurant was going out of business that weekend. boo! Especially since I'd just blown mad money and given up a bunch of shifts while on vacay. It did however end up working out, as one of my restaurant regulars hired me as a nanny and wanted me to come and help her out in South Hampton on the weekends. This allowed me to be jobless, take a summer course, and do all the other things I really wanted to do. Some of the funnest of things I got to do while taking my class were catching summer movies in the park, seeing Talib Kewli (and Blitz the Ambassador) in concert, going to bomb rooftop parties in Brooklyn, chilling at the beach for my roomie's Bday, and seeing Lyfe Jennings perform. So I signed up for this Chem class I needed to take that lasted until July 22. It was cool. My study buddy was this very smart but very suppressed guy whom we'll call Dee. When I say suppressed I mean...hes a 24 year old 7th day Adventist that...is always at church...has had sex one time...sleeps in a bunk bed above his little brother...cant talk on the phone after eleven...has a midnight curfew...has never had a drink...has never smoked a spliff...and listens "non-worldly" music...ect. ect. Needless to say our conversations were interesting as I was constantly trying to sway him to try everything he's not allowed...he amused me. Who can really get down like that and be okay with it? So Dee made an A in the class and I made a very bad grade:)...it happens. The moment I finished my final exam I ran outside with my bags. Now was when my one month summer had officially begun. My girl friend Gina, her roommate Chrissy, a dude named Jason and I were headed upstate to the Grassroots Festival 2010. They picked me up straight from City College and we were off! We lit up immediately and began our 5 hour drive upstate only to be entertained by Dan who had volunteered to drive us. This kid's humor...is on some other shit. So I grew up in Tennessee and every year there's this music festival called Bonnaroo which I've never been to. This was a mini version of that I guess, and I had a ball. As soon as we got there we set up our tent. Gina and Chrissy have been to Grassroots for the past ten years and a big group of their friends and family were stationed in a bunch of different spots. After meeting Gina's wonderful family and childhood friends I got the tour. There was the Grandstand, the Cabaret, the Dance tent, and the Main Stage each with a never ending rotation of great music. The acts ranged from hip hop, to Native American hoop dancing, to folk, to house, to bass and drum, to acoustic. Whatever you like. EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAD POT. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. for real. It was hippie heaven. Tye dye everywhere. Food vendors of all sort (thai/vegetarian/mexican/a coffee shop/you name it). The people were funny looking. VERY funny looking actually:) We were way upstate so everyone was extremely pale and also malnourished looking...feeble as well. Yea, those people looked feeble. Bad teeth too. On the flip side they were the nicest people I've every met in my life as most hippies are...and everyone had eerily and extraordinarily beautiful eyes. Their eyes were like crystals. The clearest greens and blues I'd ever seen. And they were ALL ABOUT the peace, the love, and the drugs. So the festival lasted from Thursday to Sunday. Thursday night was normal. We smoked, drank, and danced our way from tent to stage to tent again. That night we all came back to the tent and we went to sleep. Boo to sleeping in a tent with not enough to keep you warm. It stormed that night. My first night sleeping in a tent and it storms. What's a girl to do? When morning came a few of us from the group decided to walk a little and get some breakfast from the only restaurant within miles. I had a delicious country style ham and cheese omelet, a blueberry pancake, and a cup of coffee. So good. The fun began that night. So all day we just kicked it. Around 9pm the band Arrested Development took the stage. They're still great:) Everyone's dancing and hoola hooping. At any given moment during the whole weekend I could look around and see at least a dozen people hoola hooping. While I was getting my groove on Gina handed me a tiny sheet of paper. My first drug ever (besides weed)...acid. So I put this paper under my tongue and the next thing you know...whoa, I feel like super woman. I was wide awake...and everything was curvy...yea...curvy. I knew I was going to try a couple drugs for the first time on this trip and was really down strictly for the purpose of objective observance;) Really. I just wanted to know what it was like (I have an "everything once" complex). So after the bands finished I'm ready to explore. Everyone was down to do what I wanted to do because it was my first time at Grassroots; and what I wanted to do was check out the off site camp grounds of which I'd heard rumors about. We started walking and at this point its Gina, Chrissy, Jason, and I. So we stumble upon this painted wall...and it looks like its wet still. "What the hell?" I think to myself. I think the acid has me buggin' out...so i walk over to touch it. To my surprise I'm not buggin! The wall was covered with globs of wet paint. Needless to say we had soon covered each other in wet paint. Paint on our arms, paint on our faces, and new designs on the wall. In the distance we see the bus to the off site campgrounds pull up and we all climb aboard. We drive downhill along side a river we'd bathed in earlier (yea, that river had LEECHES. Wtf? How my friends gunna bring me down to a river and then throw in "Oh yea, watch out for the leeches".....:/). Off site was Completely different. A bunch of cars and sludge. We had to walk through sludge. Chrissy had gotten "poop toe" a few years back where she had to go get antibiotics and everything. There's only porta-potties out there and with the rain action sometimes you can't tell if you walking though mud or...not mud. If there was any place at this festival for a girl to catch poop toe, this was it. We hear loud drums and decide to follow our ears and soon we're in a forest. What I saw...was some other shit. So there's a drum circle with a fire blazing in the middle and about 1oo people gathered round. A lot of people have lazer lights or these spinning lights that they have aimed up and racing around through the tree tops. There's 2 girls dancing, but as if they are possessed!! (keep in mind I'm on acid) Every now and then somebody lets out some sort of primitive type animal cry! The energy is super intense and it damn near feels like and orgy is going to break out. We watch for a long time and sort of explore the area around. I spot a guy twirling fire and want to walk over. Above my head I see a huge net that was attached way up high to about 5 different trees and there are at least 3 people in it doing God knows what. It looked like something out of the movie Avatar. After seeing that, we had to go! We walk out of the trees and somehow its morning. We want to continue to the bus but are stopped by the most beautiful sky I've ever seen. This was the best part of acid, as I could literally control the clouds in the sky with my hands and mind. The clouds moved and flowed like water wherever I desired. It sounds insane, and even at the time it was to me...but it was easily one of the most amazing moments in my life. We journeyed back. Chrissy and Jason went to sleep but I was in such shock and so wired there was no way I could lay down. I played with an inch worm I found for about an hour. Coolest bug ever. They crawl forward but eat with their butt. It's pretty nuts and I was quite amused as I am a biologist:) So I can't sleep. It's now Saturday. I call Jimbo to tell him about the trip thus far and then I find Gina. We walk over to the Grandstand where we find Native Americans playing music and calling for people to join a rain dance. I can't resist and join in. A huge circle of people led by a beautiful Native American woman join hands and we stomp the ground while walking in various formations. To my surprise and definitely my delight, we bring rain:) I can't help but call my bestie (shout out to Molly Allen) and tell her what we did. She laughs and tells me she'd love nothing more than to be rain dancing with me. After that Gina and I meet a guy named Neal who explains to us the theory of 6 degrees of separation and how people aren't separated by more than 6 degrees...or people (so a friend of yours in one degree away from you and a friend of a friend is 2 degrees away...get it?). He wanted to meet as many people as possible in order to lessen his degree of separation. Not a bad idea. It's now time to shower. They had this cute trailor shower thing I'd yet to use and I desperately needed a washing. I bought a lavender bandanna and then walked over only to meet the cutest lady in line wearing all lavender. That's when I discovered I'm a lavender girl...whatever that means. Her name was Cassandra and we talked about how there are no coincidences in life and everything has meaning. This was her tenth year at the festival, she was born in 1950, and had just turned 60 on the tenth day of the month. Numbers ending in zero were always showing up in her life. We go in the showers and I see a daddy long leg who's very intriguing for some reason. As I'm taking a pic of him with my camera phone someone tells me how daddy long legs bring the rain. Everyone's naked and there are all kinds of bodies up in there! I'm extremely shy when it comes to my body but for the first time ever I decide I'm not going to be anymore. I strip down and have to the most refreshing shower and once I get out remain in the shower room for over an hour saying good mornings and having convo a convo with hippie women:) Now that I'm refreshed it's breakfast time. I walk by myself over to Gina's uncle's tent. Very nice guy who's always cooking. Pancakes! Yes! His daughter (the most adorable little red head named Aubrey) wants to go to be a part of the Happiness Parade. It sounds ridiculous...but why not? I volunteer to take her over. We dig through bins looking for the perfect outfit. I tie streamers around her wrists and paint her face with hearts and sun shines. I then place to lavender stickers on the outside of my eyes and we're off! It was kind of downhill after the parade as nothing could top the Friday night experience. I hadn't slept at this point in about two days and decided a nap was in order. When I woke up it was night time and I walked around only to find Chrissy and Jason in the dance tent. My second drug was taken then. Chrissy and I split a Molly pill that had us wide awake and cracking up at everything. I sat down just to relax, all smiles. There was one boy whom Chrissy and this other dude who'd been around thought was the most attractive at the whole campsite. What do you know? He approaches me and asks to dance. Why not? I dance with him and we small talk. Come to find he's pretty looney but amusing enough. We dance until early morning when the band stops playing. Sunday, Gina her mom and I decide one last trip to the river is in order. It's better this time. When we get there we find Jason and Chrissy drinking beers and Chrissy shows me this secret spot where you can sit and let the water fall over your shoulders. Ahhh! Now it's time to say our goodbyes and go home. As fun as it was...I'm tired of porta potties and I want my bed! My favorite trip this summer!!! I had one more trip before my summer ended which I will make much more brief. I have a very good girl friend by the name of Leide Cabral. She was one of my room mates when I first moved to NYC and we've been super cool ever since. We used to nonstop party and decided to take a trip to L.A. and also to spend a couple days in Vegas in order to end the Summer right. We decided to fly standby. We'd take a train to Baltimore and fly to L.A. for 100 bucks. BIG MISTAKE. We got stuck in Baltimore for a day, which ended up being great. Coming home however was a nightmare. In Baltimore we stayed at a very nice discounted hotel. We then headed downtown to check it out as neither of us had never been to Baltimore before. Downtown Baltimore was pretty sweet to both of our surprise. The harbor was beautiful and the shops and restaurants were plentiful. The most good looking black men I have ever seen (in case anyone is in search). We needed something to sip on...hmmmm. We asked a random dude where we could find a liquor store and he and there weren't any around. We then knew we needed to journey to the hood. As soon as we felt it get hoody we got off the bus and didn't have to walk more than a blocks to find a liquor store. Go figure. The drink for the day was pomegranate vodka with pomegranate juice, and it was pretty good. Soon were slooshed, back downtown, and hungry. Our restaurant of choice is the infamous "Dick's" where the waitstaff is purposely very, very rude to you. Our menus were thrown at us, the pictures we asked them to take were out of focus, and they made us hats suggesting we had very bad stds. The food was the opposite of the service, muy bueno! We then went paddle boating in dragon boats and hit the Cheesecake Factory before heading back to the hotel. Las Angeles! In short, It's incredibly beautiful-especially the hills and the homes which are mostly Spanish style. The nightlife severely disappointed us and made us decide that's what New York is for. We did go on a pretty neat tour of the Hollywood homes where we saw the crib Michael Jackson died in, the hotel where JFK and Marilyn Monroe used to cheat in, the locations where River Phoenix and John Belushi died, the house from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and a bunch of other celebrity homes. I was really thrown off by how close a lot of these celebrities live to one another. It's almost disgusting. For example Colin Ferral and Ben Stiller are next door neighbors and live a stones throw away from another actress whom I can't remember. A few other stops were the garment district, China town, and the O-so-good IN and OUT BURGER. We spent most of our time laying out at Malibu beach which is by far the most amazing beach I have ever been to. I felt like I was in Europe. The Spanish homes that I could see were help up in the hills by stilts, the water was blue, and the the sand flawless. It was also far more desolate than the Florida or New York beaches I've been to which made it feel exclusive:) Three or four nights while we were there we visited a friend of mine named Brandon. He's also form Memphis but moved to L.A. around the same time I moved to Brooklyn. He has his own print shop in South Central and gave us a "tour of L.A. hood culture" which we thoroughly enjoyed. His shop was great too, and in the back he and friends had graffitied various murals on the wall. One night that we were chillin outside with him, we heard his neighbor up on the roof. They were having a party. We asked if we could come over and they said yea. They were kickin' it in a pool shop (with a jacuzzi, pool filters, floaties, the whole 9). There was even a d.j. by the cash register. What?!? Very nice surprise. On the last day we were there Brandon took us to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in South Central. Stereotype or not....SO GOOD! On one of the nights we were there we also went to an art walk in downtown L.A. where all the galleries were open late night for free. The was music, food vendors, and hand me down clothes for sale. It was fun...except for the part where we had to run from the cop for jay-walking. They for real got out of their cars and tried to give us a ticket:/ The most fun I had on our trip was our detour to Vegas. We drove our rental car 4 hours through Death Valley to get there. It was so hot that there were warning not to turn on your a.c. because your car would over heat. Thus, we drove the whole way in bikinis. Vegas is what it looks like in the movies!! It's amazing and all just one long strip. We had bought tickets for a show and got dinner before hand. I got Ahi tuna...and Leide, a steak. The show we aw was called Zumanity and was the erotic Cirque de Soleil show. It was VERY erotic to say the least but done in a way that portrayed sex as beautiful. It even had its funny parts. I doubt there was one person in the audience that wasn't completely delighted by the end. We didn't have a place to crash for the night and i was far to exausted to drive back so we ended up crashing with some random 21 year old dudes we met from my hometown, Oakland. They were super funny and didn't try anything...phew! We watched a documentary on T.I. while the 2 brothers played quarter and sipped hypnotic and Hennessey....hahaha! Who REALLY drinks the Incredible Hulk?? They rode back with us to L.A. the next day as they had been in Vegas for a week and were ready to go home. They wanted to catch a greyhound from L.A. and had done us a big favor...so why not. The kept us laughing the whole way home with stories of their life in Oakland. They were dope boys so they had PLENTY of stories, with which Leide and I were very amused. Leide's favorite was how they were both in jail at the same time once and one of the bothers was allowed to leave AND had bail money, but just stayed to kick it for 2 extra weeks becuase he was having so much fun with his other bother in there. I liked the story about when one brother was locked up and heard another dude in the prison getting taken advantage one night. This is whathe said QUOTE ON QUOTE, "It's funny now! but I ain't gon' lie, that night I was scared. I was like, If somebody's getting it, then somebody's walking around taking it. That whole week I was thinking-You waiting on me to drop the soap, I'm waiting on you to drop the soap- So what's happenin?!". Too Much!! I was dying laughing. Thursday we wanted to head home, so we showed up super early to the airport and were told we probably couldn't get a flight until late that evening. We had already returned our car and were upset since we had tried the night before to get out as well. Knowing our friend's didn't want to play the back and fourth game from the airport we had to come up with a plan. Leide decided we should take a free shuttle to a hotel...and we did. Upon arriving we tipped the driver, found a nook in the hallway of the 3rd floor to hide our stuff, changed in to bikini's in the downstairs lobby, and located the hotel's rooftop swimming pool and hot tub:) We sent the day there chatting with the people who were actually staying there, soaking in the hot tub, and doing water ballet. After dinner we headed back to the airport. We had to separate to get home and I had to sleep by myself overnight in that cold airport. It wasn't until the next morning, and 3rd day of trying, that I was finally able to get out of Las Angeles. The last major thing I did this summer was Rock the Bells and that was just 2 weekends ago. Rock the Bells in an all day Hip Hop concert that hits about 4 cities in the U.S. every year. I went with Jimbo and my roomie Brian. While the location was off the day was great. We had a great time taking pictures in the coca-cola tent (pic on facebook) and doing karaoke. My favorites were A TRIBE CALLED QUEST and SNOOP DOG. However we also go to see Rakim, Krs-1, Yelawolf, and Lauryn Hill. Some of the celebs in a attendance that got called to the stage were Swizz Beatz, Jay-z, Busta (who also performed with his band Tribe), and Alicia Keys.And there you have it folks! My summer 2010. If only I'd passed that Chem class...

The conversation after the chess game...

So I have a lot of guys that I hang out with despite Jimbo and I being 'together'. Yesterday I finally came to terms with the fact that...that's not okay. There's a senior researcher I met that gave me a tour of the lab he works in...we went for frozen margaritas and burgers last week (so good! check out O' Flannigans for $3.50 margaritas and Jackson hole for the best Burger in NYC). There's the bartender I worked with for a year and a half before my job closed down in May. There's the guy I claim as one of my best friends, as every time we hang out it's lovely and we are musical soul mates. There's my current study buddy. There's the friend of friend a met a rooftop party in Harlem....the list goes on. This list, however does not even include the men that I keep up with through text messaging/ facebook... whatever. Now I only have a ginuine romantic interest in Jimbo at this time but like to hang out. While I have my girls that I kick it with, these guys are 'friends' whose company I enjoy on occasion as well (I really do! interesting converstaions about wine/ talks about old films/ tales of drunkeness/ ect.). So yesterday me and my roomie (B) and I are kickin it. Our house it hot as hell (as HELL!! Im tellin you!) and we've been smokin trees and playin chess all morning (I can't seem to beat him:/). B had coincidentally run into me and one of my guy friends after we left the movie in Bryant Park. So now (the next day) we're chillin and get to talkin about the previous night. ME: I can't believe the way that Will (codename for my bartender friend) was talking to me last night!! He was talking about how nice my skin looked and was being very forward and suggestive. B: of course! Me: What you mean, 'of course'. We've been hanging out for a year and a half and he's never talked to me like that. B: Man, that dude was just waiting for the right time. That's what guy's do! ME:...he did say something about 'now that we don't work together....' B: yea that dude wants to F*uck you. Me: He does? B: Come on! You knew that. Me: Well, we've been kickin it for so long and he's never tried anything! and he kicks it with all the chicks I used to work with. B:yea, and he wants to f*ck them too! Me: damn! So EVERY guy that I kick it with secretly wants to do it?!?! I don't even be thinking I'm their type! B:Man,a WOMAN PERIOD is every dudes type, especially the beautiful ones. If I had a beautiful woman I wouldn't trust anybody around her! And you stay kickin it with not just ONE dude who wants to get at you...multiple dudes! If I were 'Jimbo' I'd be kicking it with hella chicks. ME: but I just be wanting to kick it and enjoy peoples company. EVERY dude can't think like that! I'd like to believe that some guys really do just want to be my friend and I'm not their type. B: Nah. Every time a man sees a beautiful woman or 'befriends' one, he's thought about it. ME: but how can men think about that ALL THE TIME. There's so much other stuff to think about! Sex is good to us (women) too, if not better, but we don't think about it all the time! So you're tellin me that every guy I kick it with wants to hit it?! B: Yea! ME: And ugly girls are for friends? B:Yea! Well no...I don't want to say that. but with the beautiful chicks...we do at least think about it if not try to get with them. And when you hang out with a dude, they think you like them...or that at least there's a chance. ME: Damn. So I can't even be nice to a dude because he may think... B: I'm telling you! That's the problem! MEN DON'T THINK LIKE YOU DO! We don't. Women be thinkin we're thinking and feeling how they are and we don't. I would get with every chick if I could. EVERY one. ME: Wow. I don't think that at all. I mean I do it with people I really like or am attracted to. Once I've ruled you out from being my type then that's it. B: Men don't think like that. ME: So it really is like what you told me about the anatomy of a men and women...I (and all women) produce just one egg a month and subconsciously tend to be more choosy, where as men produce a million sperm every time they (you know). So you really do want to get with every chick...but it's so much better when you are with someone you really care about and you can just be with them all the time! B: Yea you're right. When you find the right chick. I would like nothing more than to be with a beautiful woman all the time...she has to be beautiful though! and we could kick it, smoke, and have fun together, I'll take care of her...then whenever I wanted to I would just(blank blank blank). ME: B! B: but until that happens...

B's Birthday

My room mate's name is Brian. (hope he doesn't mind me using his name). And the 24th (last Thursday) was his birthday. It was pretty fun, so I thought I'd share it. For his 29th birthday, B (that's what I call him) wanted to go to Coney Island. Now Coney Island, like most New York City beaches, is ridiculously disgusting. It's a risk to even take your flip flops off to walk in the sand; you really might get cut. Nevertheless, it's the beach...and you gotta love the beach regardless. As soon as I got out of class I came home and got ready to go. B's friend Jackie met us at our apartment and we were on our way. When we got there B and Jackie bought 'supposedly unlimited' pina colada drinks. Once it was discovered the drinks were not unlimited and had zero alcohol I headed for the bank and the liquor store. Fifteen minutes later were on the beach lighting up and sipping cold vodka drinks. ahh! feels nice. B's happy. Jackie's cool. I'm chillin. A mexican man with a basket of mangos is approaching. Random people selling mangos is one of the best parts about new york in the summer. It's expensive! (3 dollars) so we decide to split one. But as soon as I take a bite I get up and chase the mango man down for another. The sun setting but giving off just enough heat to for B and Jackie to try the water. From their initial reactions, I can tell its freezing cold. Jackie stands back and retreats every time the waves roll in...until B dunks her:) I am such a death-a-phobe that I am always sitting back and taking in every little thing. I try to appreciate every good moment. While this may sound like a good thing to do, it keeps you from being IN the moment sometimes. It's so nice out. All the kids are having a ball running from the tiniest of waves. I'm blazed and I'm tipsy. Suddenly, I don't want to sit back and observe the moment anymore, I want to be in it. The vodka had suppressed my self consciousness (I also have a fear of wearing bikinis in front of people) and the next thing you know I'm headed towards the water. As soon as I get in B dunks me too>:/ Daaaag! Super salty!!!! Shortly thereafter I adjust to the water I see Jimbo. Delighted to see that me and B have dared to enter the water, he jumps in-clothes and all. It felt so good to be pushed by the waves I didn't get out for an hour. We smoke again and the 5th and final person, Kareem, gets there. Boy is he a character...He makes a few mean jokes about his girlfriend, takes a few swigs and the next thing you know we're off to the bumper cars. Now I dont know when is the last time I rode bumper cars....but that ish was waaaaay to fun not to go back soon. After 2 rounds of bumper cars we ride a few more rides before Kareem and Jackie have to go home. B, Jimbo, and I head back for the beach and fall asleep under the moon. Why don't my birthdays go like this?

Lessons from a Soulmate (Part 1)

So...I just made up with my guy. Human nature man....what can I say? We smoked a dubee and I couldn't help myself. The funny thing is, is that i was just talking to my girl ("K" we'll call her) and she was telling to me about her man problems and they were IDENTICAL to mine. Her boyfriend, whom I know personally, can't seem to figure out what it is that he wants besides her. Since he doesn't know what he wants, he is having a hard time moving forward...which in turn makes it hard for him to be there for "K" like she needs him to be. She and I both are not Beyonce, and were never too keen on that "miss independent" ish...or those dozens of instructions she gives in her songs. It's hard when the love is there but your man, for whatever reason, can't provide for you as well as you need him to. He is her "best friend" which makes it hard for her to leave because the LOVE is there...but unfortunately every relationship needs more than love and good intentions. She and I gave in when they satisfied our hearts but are now ready to be provided for. Im giving my guy just a little more time... The ONLY thing that separates him from "K's" man is that he has vision and direction. He's always coming up with innovative ideas and plans for other people to help better their businesses or personal situation. He's also a poet/writer that is very talented and just finished his first book (it's pretty sexy). While I'm going through my stage of becoming who I want to be (college-ugh:/) I figure he deserves the same thing...a little more time. Not to mention I love him so damn much. Call me a fool. SO. SOULMATES. This is what I'm supposed to be discussing. Well for starters my definition of a soul mate is a little bit different than most. When most people think of a soul mate they thing about some one that was MADE for THEM to cherish and spend eternity with. My definition of a soul mate is different. To me a "soul mate" is a person who comes into your life for a specific reason at a specific time and does a specific "job". Once that job is done they peace out....yea...they peace out and leave you to continue on the path of life. Lets talk about my 2 favorite soul mates:) I came to New York City for the first time DAYS after I turned 20. The time I had was so amazing that I moved up here litterally 5 months after my first visit. The guy that I came and stayed with was a friend of my older sister and he showed me the time of my life. His friends were all charismatic, artistic sorts. I had never met or seen so many beautiful young people. It was surreal. The first night I was in the city I came up from underground (the subway) only to see smoke coming up from potholes, piles of trash bags, and closed stores. I was lost:) But fell in love instantaneously. I cabbed it to my friends apt in the upper east side and was greeted with open arms. From his 15th story window I could see the East River and tiny taxi cabs driving to and fro. We went to a Mediterranean spot (instant culture) where his friends were passing around Mediterranean appetizers, giant mojito pitchers, and smoking hookah...for free!!! (my friend was cool with a promoter). The venue was 3 stories with with each stair case lit by candles, and 2 amazing djs....I had the time of my life that night. So new and so exciting! That week I danced through the Manhattan streets in the rain, ate at spots supposedly frequented by celebrities, and and sat and learned in the company of a "mask maker" who had very interesting views on the spirituality and energy of man. I fell in love not only with the city but also with a guy considered to be best friends of the guy I was staying with. SOUL MATE #1....let's call him "E". "E" and I had seen each other every day because he was so close to the friend I was staying with. I started crushing on him the first night I was in the city. I was pretty stand offish when I first arrived as there was so much to take in. In front of a room full of people this guy pinned me up against the wall, held my leg up, and did a frontal grind type dance on me;). I was intrigued by his boldness (he didn't know me like that...). It did, however, break me out of my shell got me to loosen up. The whole week we flirted a little and I eventually hatched a plan to kick it with him one on one. My friend I was staying with thought my flight left super early Saturday morning. Little did he know I hadn't bought my ticket at all because I was flying standby (and could try and leave whenever I wanted). That Friday night he, "E", and I went to a club. After the club my friend thought we'd return home and I'd pack and head straight out for the airport...really I'd be headed for "E's" apartment. At the end of the night "E" and I pretended to say our goodbyes and told each other we'd keep in touch. My friend and I headed back to his apartment and I packed at thanked him for letting me stay just before rushing out to "catch my plane". Once out the door I text "E" and he sent me directions to Prospect Park apartment in Brooklyn. We stayed up all night listening to music of which we had ridiculously similar tastes. He put me on to an acoustic singer by the name of David Ryan Harris that I would come to obsess over the next few months. We talked about our families (both our moms names are Greta) , our exes, the city, what we wanted to do with our lives, everything. The next day he met me at Starbucks when he got off work and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. We held hands as we walked through the city to dinner. For those 2 days we were together. I was having such a good time in his company I purposely missed a plane the next day after traveling all the way to the airport. I had to come back and stay with him (sneaky, I know). He rented us a movie and we feasted on take-out and strawberry shortcake ice cream bars. When I finally left the next day he carried my bags to the train for me and we kissed as the train rushed up beside us. So nice...I wanted so badly to be with this guy. When I got back to Tennessee I was sad as hell. I was greeted the first few mornings with a "good morning beautiful" from "E". I listened to a song called "for you" by david ryan harris. He had burned a few of his songs on a cd for me and that one was all about this guy missing and traveling back and fourth to the person he loved. The was also the song "come home" by One republic which jaded me even more with even listen. I had to get back up to him. I had to get back to the city. I had to. I thought I could be with "E" if only I were there...and I knew I would be more challenged in school and very quickly cultured if I moved to New York. That summer I worked like I have never worked before or since. I had 2 jobs where I could work from 9am to 3pm at one restaurant and 4 pm to 3 or 4am at the other. I was exhausted at every moment that summer...but pulled down at least 1000 a week. With that money I was able to move and although "E" and I had kept in contact(mostly drunken phone calls:/), by the time I moved back I had moved on. And so had he. Soulmate number 1: "E". He infatuated me to the point that I HAD to get back to New York. It was more than a drive for the city life kept me working hard all summer, there was a hope for more romantic days between "E" and I....the prospect of new/continued love. Just the city wasn't enough to uproot and rearrange the direction of my life. "E" was the icing on the cake. Come to find out, after getting to know him more, he's not my type at all:) When I first moved up here I hung out with he and the same group of friends a couple times. A few months later I made my own friends (whom I relate to a lot more), and I actually haven't seen him in at least a year. But what he was to me at the time was invaluable. Who knows if I would be here in this city (which has been so great for me) if it were not for the time we shared together. I honestly don't think I would. True to my definition of a soul mate-a person who comes into your life for a specific reason at a specific time and does a specific "job". We''ll talk about number 2 next time.